Mala McKean
November 11, 1999 - March 16, 2012
You will always be my best friend.
You taught me so much.
You made me a better being.
You saved my life more then once.
You stopped a man from breaking in when I was home alone.
You found Kirby and taught him to talk and to obey boundaries even without a fence.
You will always be the most beautiful Angel I have ever or will ever know.
The bond we shared, and still share will forever be a strength beyond definition.
One in a million doesn't come close.
Once in a lifetime is closer.
You were my grounding force in life; my confidant, my friend.
You gave my soul purpose and reason.
You showed me that there still was beauty in this world.
You taught me the joys of a quiet night watching the stars.
You were, and always will be, my everything.
You taught me true, deep, unbiased love.
I love you; in ways words will never describe.
You were, and are and always will be my everything.
Goodbye, my sweet, sweet love.
I will run with you in dreams until the day comes when we can be together again.
I promise I will do the best I can to take care of Kirby.
You were the brightest light in my life.
Every minute of every day, you will be with me in heart, spirit, and mind.
I miss you.
I love you.
...goodbye.
"I never understood what they meant when they said it's like a part of you is gone...but I do now..." -me
"That part of you isn't gone; it's just not as loud." -husband
"When Angels Fly Away"
I'll make a soldier's decision to fly away
Load my gun, paint my face, call me misery
I can see the sky light up and the ground explode
Got my sights locked in, I can see you breathe
Then i watched you fall and somebody scream
It's the saddest thing when angels fly away
I can't be home tonight, I'll make it back, it's alright
No one could ever love me half as good as you
Gotta badge for my scars just the other day
Wore it proud for the sake of my sanity
I could see the flames burn bright from the winding road
Like a haunting page from our history
Watched a young girl cry and her mother scream
It's the saddest thing when angels fly away
I cant be home tonight, i'll make it back its alright
No one could ever love me half as good as you
If you cant be strong tonight, love makes you sad its alright
No one could ever worry half as good as you -COLD
`anmari has been spreading her infectious positivity throughout our community for over 6 years. Throughout this time Ana has been at the core of all things devious, passionately developing an eclectic gallery, helping organise devmeets, participating in chat events and also recently completed dedicating her time as a Community Volunteer. We are absolutely delighted to bestow the Deviousness Award for May 2013 to `anmari, congratulations! Read More
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Miserable 
LOSS OF A HEART-DOG
I stood by your bed last night,
I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying,
You found it hard to sleep.
I whined to you softly
as you brushed away a tear,
"It's me, I haven't left you,
I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here".
I was close to you at breakfast,
I watched you pour the tea,
You were thinking of the many times,
Your hands reached down to me.
I was with you at the shops today,
Your arms were getting sore,
I longed to take your parcels,
I wish I could do more.
I was with you at my grave today,
You tend it with such care.
I want to reassure you,
That I'm not lying there.
I walked with you towards the house,
As you fumbled for your key.
I gently put my paw on you,
I smiled and said "It's me".
You looked so very tired,
And sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know,
That I was standing there.
It's possible for me to be,
so near you every day.
To say to you with certainty,
"I never went away".
You sat there very quietly,
Then smiled, I think you knew...
In the stillness of that evening,
I was very close to you.
And when the day is over...
I smile and watch you yawning,
And say "Goodnight, God Bless you,
I'll see you in the morning".
And when the time is right for you
To cross the brief divide,
I'll rush across to greet you,
And we'll stand side by side.
I have so many things to show you,
There is so much for you to see,
Be patient, live your journey out...
Then come home to be with me.
-Author Unknown
I thought that I would share with you a piece of writing that has helped me identify the deep feelings of loss I experienced after Ponyo died. In an anthropocentric society people can be quick to brush aside pet bereavement, but what they don't understand is that these animals are people in our lives, they make us laugh every day, they protect us from harm both physical and emotional, they are our saving grace, our angels. I hope I haven't been too morbid, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. After Ponyo died I truly understood why the Greek gods cast their deceased loved ones into the sky to live forever, because some beings deserve nothing less.
'We do not recover from the death of a loved one. In fact, we never recover from that death in the same way we recover from an illness or broken limb. It will always be a part of us—always—and to suggest otherwise is unrealistically and harshly to imply that we somehow “get over” the feelings about the event or stop experiencing painful reminiscences of the loved one or the death.
In fact our lives are tapestries, and the death of a loved one is a ripping, gaping, bleeding hole in the very midst of that tapestry of our life. How, then, is the tapestry rewoven? It does not, with the mere passage of time, magically pull itself back together. Rather, it is rewoven only with the initiative, energy, and strength of the survivor reaching in and grasping the torn ends of threads, painfully pulling them back and tying them together. And it is rewoven only with those persons around the survivor cutting threads from their own tapestries and bringing them to the survivor, with love and support and caring and tears and strength, helping to further tie the threads and fill in the gaping hole.
So, eventually, the tapestry is rewoven. But that “glitch” is always there, the roughness of that reweaving is, and always will be, apparent. In fact it may be twenty years from now, as the survivor reviews the tapestry of his or her life, or is in a particular setting, or hears a song on the radio, or remembers a special day of the month, that the rewoven seam is seen and felt again, and the survivor remembers and cries, or feels sad, or is touched by the love and caring expressed by those whose threads are apparent there—and that is perfectly normal. We do not recover from a death, but when we allow others to help, we can reweave our tapestry.'
— Charles Meyer, Surviving Death
I miss Mala...more than anything I've ever known. I swear I hear her sometimes; and often feel cheated or like I did something wrong because I can't; or at least haven't, dreamed of her more then once. I still can not look at the table which is the resting place for her ashes for very long and I still break down; a lot. This ache in my heart; this missing piece of my -me- of my soul itself; has not waned or lessened. Indeed, it has almost seemed to get stronger as things happen where I wish she was here or things I wish I could have shared with her. Losing Mala changed a lot for me and who I was when she was alive and with me is as certainly gone as her physical body is from me.
Thank you for taking the time to put your heart into such...and amazing comment. It truly does mean a lot to me and I'm sorry again it has taken me so long to say anything in reply. I would often stare at this comment and re-read it and just...not believe someone wrote like this to me for one; and have a very hard time reading her name without breaking down.
Thank you so, so much.
I lost my own baby girl in January, and it was the most utterly devastating experience of my life. When I saw your journal entry about Mala's passing I actually cried, because I would never wish that terrible pain on another human being, and I saw in your writing and photos that you connected with beautiful Mala in a very special way. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone, and this incredibly deep reaction to the loss of your soul-friend is something that I understand. I read your journal and thought to myself: what do I wish someone had shared with me when my beloved little Ponyo died? I felt that the synchronicity of both of our beautiful companions passing within such a close period was meaningful somehow, at least it gave me the tools to help someone who was going through the unbearable hardship of losing more than a dog - losing your best friend, your light and love. I found through my own experience that most people simply didn't understand the depth, the trauma and the intense grief of losing an animal that was more than an animal - an amazing being that was there for you all the time, listened to you, talked to you, was by your side throughout everything. I felt that you and I saw and connected with our dogs as people and so experienced their loss in a very profound way, and I wanted to let you know that I understood and was feeling it with you... I have Ponyo's collar on the mantlepiece with a painting of her. Whenever I look at it I feel a deep twinge of loss. Recently when I moved into a new apartment I packed away her carry bag - it still smelt of her and the tears just came. I will always love her with all my heart and my soul will always strive towards meeting her again, as your soul strives towards Mala.
It really means a lot to me that I was able to offer something heart-felt and even vaguely helpful, and I really appreciate your beautiful reply. I'll always be around to talk if you feel the need,
Much love,
Rumi
I'm soo sorry...
Dogs are the best friends... I wish I could have one due to I'm allergic...
I often cry because I'm not able to have one...
but that's why I also can think how you felt by loosing her...
My grandpa had one....
I also cried weeks and month after our little dog died then...
But she will watch you from heaven and be with you all the time...and she will be happy once your happy too...
Try to think that way, even if I know...it's a hard feeling...
I hope you will be alright someday *hug*
Greetings, dear~
Losing Mala changed who I am in some ways, and some part of me will never be alright without her, but I am trying to come back into being around and online and doing the things I had done when she was alive. It has been...very difficult. Every time I am online something reminds me of her; if not pictures or her directly, then so many things that I can relate to her. There will always be an empty space in me without her and I'm left trying to learn how to move on.
Thank you.
I will try to buy an "antiallergic" dog, maybe you heard of them.... they are called the Portuguese Waterdog~ ... Well Obama have one of them because his kids are allergic too, and I will try to make an desensibilisation to the allergic~
Maybe it will help, I don't give up on that either~
So I think, we are really a bot common in that way.
A deep